Man Utd rebellion: A predicted target for every player’s wrath in post-Bournemouth interviews

 Two Manchester United truth-tellers have broken ranks in the space of a week to criticise the direction of the football club and we wonder which member of the squad will continue the theme following defeat to Bournemouth and who or what they will take aim at in the next bombshell post-match interview.

Lisandro Martinez called out Jason Wilcox before Bruno Fernandes criticised Michael Carrick’s tactics, but what’s Carlos Baleba’s beef? Which member of the squad has the guts to take down the big right-wing cheese?

We’ve picked a target for each member of the squad’s ire.

Senne Lammens: Rene Meulensteen

It would be weird, sure. We’re picturing Lammens fronting up after a blunder, being asked what he put it down to and claiming he couldn’t put the bizarre and consistent criticism of an assistant coach who left Manchester United 13 years ago out of his mind.

Karl Darlow: Ketchup/No ketchup

Pins the lowering of standards at Carrington on the banning/return of tomato ketchup in the canteen.

Ayden Heaven: Lisandro Martine

Can’t have been thrilled upon hearing the news that his World Cup-winning teammate

considered his place in the starting XI to be the proof

that Wilcox had done a sh*t job of recruiting players in the summer, particularly when Martinez has arguably been the very worst defender in the squad this season.

Maybe he can print off some examples of his blunders a la Jose Mourinho to bring with him.

Harry Maguire: Job cuts

The voice of the people bemused by the decision to cut 322 jobs to accommodate Andrey Santos.

Lisandro Martinez: Jason Wilcox

Lovely to imagine the Man Utd press officer just off camera pulling his hair out having been given

Martinez’s word that he wouldn’t “do anything silly again”

as the centre-back specifically names Wilcox this time and reels off the list of his signings that aren’t good enough and which players he should have signed instead.

Leny Yoro: Rio Ferdinand

Ferdinand took an immediate shine to Yoro after the young defender said he was his favourite Man Utd legend upon his Old Trafford arrival and the YouTuber hasn’t missed any opportunity – few and far between though they’ve been – to

lavish Yoro with praise

, claiming he can go right to the very top.

Turns out Yoro doesn’t enjoy that pressure and kindly requests Ferdinand to keep his thoughts to himself in future. The Frenchman becomes a national hero in the process.

Matthijs de Ligt: Manchester City

Plenty of time on the sidelines to read through the charges, listen to Kieran Maguire’s 427 podcast interviews and come to the conclusion that we can all, in some way, pin everything bad happening anywhere on Manchester City.

Luke Shaw: Jose Mourinho

A tough sell given Mourinho left the club eight years ago, but he called him fat once and what’s that animal that never forgets?

Diogo Dalot: Cristiano Ronaldo

A glorious twist after a career of licking his compatriot’s proverbial.

Noussair Mazraoui: Cold knees

Has anyone ever walked off a football pitch on a cold day and cursed their decision not to slip on a pair of tights under their shorts and socks? Mazraoui is unlikely to do it again after the reaction to his look vs Como and can put his futile chase of Rayan on the Bournemouth wing down to his chilly knees on Sunday.

Carlos Baleba: Man Utd pundit cabal

Very quickly cast as the midfield saviour by the Man Utd pundits,

Baleba’s already showing signs of faltering under that jinxing pressure

Andrey Santos: Paul Winstanley

Another nothing display from the Brazilian followed by him publicly declaring the Chelsea sporting director a wizard for getting £48m out of Manchester United for him in a bid to reduce the pressure of his price tag, insisting: “I’m not even worth half that, I swear.”

Kobbie Minoo: Ruben Amorim

There can be no-one better to give a balanced account of Man Utd managers past and present and which of them is more to blame for this crisis than a midfielder who started 12 of 47 Premier League games under one and all but one he’s been fit for under the next.

Youri Tielemans: Bruno Fernandes

Someone’s got to point the finger of blame at the player whose form has dipped most dramatically this season, who rarely runs and when he does it’s in

a bid for applause from the crowd and to the detriment of his team

. It might as well be a guy who would love to play in his No.10 role with two midfielders sitting behind him.

Bruno Fernandes: Sir Alex Ferguson

Aside from ripping into Carrick’s tactics, Fernandes also urged everyone to

“stop living in the past”

after his and Man Utd’s shameful performance against Como. That’s only one step away from pinning all of this mess on Sir Alex Ferguson to ensure he’s stripped of the captaincy ahead of an acrimonious exit in January.